Tinder Date February 22, 2017 — 7pm

Before I chronicle my date with *Adam, I want to write out a few things for myself.

My closest guy friend John told me 6 months ago that I date a lot of weird dudes, and continue to see them because it’s part of “my studies.” “You like to observe people and try to understand them, and figure it out in your head. It’s not quite a game because you aren’t manipulating anything, but you don’t actually want to DATE them. You need to learn the difference,” he told me.

This piece of advice is especially salient now that I’m essentially speed-dating, or going on a date ~once a day. I need to get over my people-pleasing tendency, figure out what I want and discard the rest… So what do I want? Tricky to question to answer. I decided to ask myself “Can I imagine sleeping with this guy and having a fun time?” If the answer is a cringe or a maybe, that’s a no. If the answer is a yes, then they get a second date. So how did our suitors line up to this test? Samuel = no. Alex = no. Chuck = no. Guy from tonight = yes…. Let’s jump into tonight’s date.

Adam is a 34 year old, Ivy league educated, former-athlete Marina bro. We matched on Tinder, chatted about our similar collegiate backgrounds and after he asked what my weekend plans were, I asked about getting drinks this week (i.e. tonight). Interestingly, I sent him number in the Tinder messaging chat, and he responded with “Sounds good, I’m at (xxx) xxx-xxxx”. Adam didn’t text me after that, though we had made concrete plans = Hawthorn @ 7 on Wednesday. All of this happened on the 17th.

So today rolls around, and Adam still hasn’t texted/messaged me to confirm. I plan on messaging him on the app around 2pm to check in, and am a bit annoyed that he isn’t taking the initiative. Lo and behold at 12:45, he texted me (for the first time) to confirm. Score.

I scamper from my gym to Hawthorn (short walk) wearing one of my favorite skirts (light pink, long bandage skirt from Zara), a white silk blouse, knee-high black riding boots and my classic trench coat. I decide to wear my glasses because a) I’m tired af from work and the gym and b) my eyes are tired from wearing contacts the past 5 out of 7 nights.

I get to Hawthorn, walk inside and immediately think “fuck, he’s hot.” Because he is. Corn-fed, preppy, super built, 6′ attractive man. We hug and I focus all of my mental energy on not embarrassing myself or acting like a deranged worshiper in a temple. I order my favorite drink, the Goodseed (yummy floral drink with raspberry + chia seeds and a lemon sliver). He gets a beer. The waitress comes over with our drinks and I laugh as I see her… I had forgotten that the waitresses at this bar dress like prostitutes (not joking, she was wearing a tiny tight black cocktail dress and 6″ heels.. think girl in the club who brings bottles to men at tables level..). Adam and I chat and he quickly seems very confident and very impressive in the way where he gets shit done. He seems rational and responsible (and older… hello, he’s 12 years older than you) but I’m almost disappointed because he is so similar to what I expected from an older, attractive, Ivy  bro.

Hailing from the midwest, he’s the youngest of three siblings (older sister and brother), played football in college, worked in investment banking in NY, did private equity, got his MBA from another name-brand school, and moved out here. He is now working for a company that helps a lot of people, but he makes less money. He said, “if I’m going to spend most of my life on something, I’d like to help people so I can look back and feel good.” In that moment, Adam was softer. I moved the conversation into more emotional/philosophical ponderings (i.e. the universe, creativity, his personality, etc.) and he retained that softness… or moreso, approachability. Adam is a former football player yet doesn’t really watch football games. He asked me how I distinguish the facts from embellishment in historical fiction novels (I told him that they were my favorite genre); I replied that the facts are usually the background, embedded around the fictional character’s life, like an ongoing war, or a dictatorship. Adam only likes/chooses to read nonfiction because it is factual; he likes having that knowledge and being able to retain it and share it. I brought this up; he places a lot of value on things that educate/further him… He said that is very true, he’s a very practical person.

I think I’m not used to being intimidated by men anymore. I rarely date alphas and my guy friends are much  more the sensitive/stoner type.. And Adam intimidated me. He’s fucking impressive on paper and he’s fucking impressive on person. He’s also super sexy and was slowly turning the heat up, by touching my arm, asking to look at my jewelry, etc. He LOVED my nose piercing and asked to see it in the light.. He told me that he would hate if it was a ring… He said that it’s workplace appropriate because I’m wearing a feminine, business outfit, but if I wore jeans and a shirt with my nose stud, it wouldn’t be appropriate (he acknowledged that these are his conservative roots coming out). He complimented me on my outfit/nerd glasses a lot. He also asked if I have tattoos or any more piercings. I said no and he seemed pleased. I asked if he was on any medication and he seemed confused; I clarified and he said no. Caffeine + alcohol + occasionally weed. Again, Adam is pretty straight-laced.

We wrapped up the night by chatting about our mutual love of beaches and the water; he told me he owns a boat that’s stored in the Marina harbor. We walked out of Hawthorn, onto Geary Street and he escorted me to BART. He had flashed bedroom eyes in the bar, and had been slowly escalating our physical contact throughout the night so when he held my lower back after we hugged goodbye and stared at me, I wasn’t surprised. He was a good kisser. But I don’t like first kisses.. I’ve only had good ones with guys I’ve known before. First date with stranger > makeout session (even if they’re hot as fuck like Adam) is never fireworks… which makes the whole “chemistry” thing tough for me to gauge. Because emotional intimacy + making out = fireworks.

Adam is going on 6 trips over the next 6 weekends — Aspen, Tahoe, Miami, Philly, NYC, etc. He brought it up again in his goodnight text to me after the date, saying his travel schedule is crazy but hopefully he’ll see me again soon.

*Note: He opened my Tinder profile while we were at the bar (I referenced something in my bio that men use to troll me) and instantly noticed that I had updated my photos (LOL!). “These photos are new..”. He said this is the first Tinder date he’s gone on in a long time, and doesn’t use it much.

Concluding thoughts: Adam intimidates me because he’s the guy that a million women would kill to marry in a heartbeat (assuming he’s loyal, etc.). His age, professional success, attractiveness, athleticism and intelligence all = the package, hence his mild arrogance (which faded a bit toward the more emotional topics but was always somewhat present in the background); him being so desirable also makes him seem less trustworthy to me (which isn’t a perfect correlation but he has options, so he can fuck around, which he clearly has been doing because he’s 34 and single). He also feels out of my league. If he were my age, or 26 (only in his 4th year of banking), I would definitely not feel as intimidated; it would be minimal. In the meantime, I’m going to not think about him (as I’ve been doing with everyone I’ve gone on a date with.. letting them come to me), use him as inspiration to improve myself and keep dating around. 🙂

Tinder Date February 20, 2017 — 8pm

*Chuck and I matched on Tinder back in November or December (i.e. 2-3 months ago) and our conversation never really got anywhere. He lives around the block from me, also works in tech (*insert name of major ridesharing app here*) and his picture make him out to be a well-dressed hipster, clear-framed nerd glasses and all.

We meet at my favorite local bar at 8pm. I wear (don’t tell anyone) the same outfit that I wore last night with Samuel, the same skirt, the same jacket and basic girl black/gold choker necklace. Chuck arrives 5 minutes late, also apologizes for being late and inquires how long I’ve been waiting. During our brief, instant interaction, I know he’s going to be uber nerdy. When he comes back to my table with a beer in hand, my hypothesis is confirmed. He’s 6′ tall, super hipster looking, definitely attractive, but seems either a) incredibly shy b) incredibly nervous or c) incredibly uncomfortable. I take a gamble and guess that it’s a combination of at least two.

One beer in, once we’ve chatted and progressed through small talk (I’m terrible at small talk… I always go for the deep emotional fodder… but do I only do this at night? While hiding behind my g&t? (I didn’t do that this afternoon during my lunch date…)), Chuck opens up. He’s 32, has lived in this neighborhood for a few years, and is originally from Oklahoma City. He came out West for grad school and ended up staying. Chuck is passionate about public transportation, and he’s definitely self-conscious about it (he later makes a self-deprecating remark and calls it “boring”. I stop him and say that it’s not innately boring, it just isn’t a topic that society deems “glamorous.” This seems to make him feel less self-conscious). He and I discuss BART and MUNI and he tells me that terrible traffic is an almost universal grievance that consistently, detrimentally affects people’s lives. I agree with him.

He talks about how, growing up, his dad would drive one hour to work each way. There was no public transportation system, and each morning, his dad would drive alongside a freight train, moving at the same speeds as each other. Chuck is just very passionate about the wellbeing of masses of people, we boil it down to. He feels a sense of responsibility for helping the community, and improving their wellbeing. We run a full therapy session (I joke but then again, I 100% play therapist on dates.. this is becoming more and more obvious as I type these summaries up…)… Chuck is the oldest of three children. From a very young age, he tells me, he did the math and decided that it was better for his family to have 3 parents and 2 kids, as opposed to 2 parents and 3 kids (he’s 5 and 7 years older than his sister and brother, respectively). He has always felt very responsible. He was also raised Christian, and while he doesn’t go to Church anymore, he identifies as Christian. He tells me that in Church, they used to pray for their neighbors, and the community. We both remark that the emphasis placed on community wellbeing during his childhood (church, family dynamic, father’s dreary commute) has strongly shaped what Chuck cares about.

I ask him what his favorite place on Earth is, and how that doesn’t have to be a nation, or a city, or a landmark… it can be ‘his bedroom at his parents’ house’ or ‘x corner of y museum’. He asks me for a few minutes to process that question and develop a response; I walk over to the other side of the bar to pet a beautiful dog and converse with the owner.

Important details: Chuck is a software engineer. He does a lot of mobile app development, and I can tell by how he verbalizes things, that his brain is very processing-oriented. That’s not to say that he doesn’t have a creative streak somewhere, but he is very much an analytical type.

I walk back to our table and Chuck is ready with an answer: the Oklahoma City Thunder stadium. I ask him if it’s because that spot makes him feel a certain way, or he has strong memories there. He says yes, kind of, but it’s mainly the historical significance and the stadium’s meaning to his city. I ask him to tell me the story… So back in the late 80s and early 90s when Chuck was growing up, Oklahoma City was a flyover state and “didn’t really have much going on.” He tells me that everyone had a chip on their shoulder because they loved their town, yet nobody could care less about it because it wasn’t a San Francisco or a New York. Then, when Chuck was in 2nd grade in 1995, a domestic terrorist car bombing killed 168 people in Oklahoma. The city grieved, the community came together, and it was a huge blemish on the city’s already less-than-blossoming reputation. Then, in 2007, right as Chuck was moving to the Bay Area, Oklahoma increased a few tax incentives and took money out of state bonds to purchase an NBA basketball team in Seattle, that would become the Oklahoma City Thunder. The team brings immense pride and significance to his humble city, he tells me. He was traveling in Singapore and saw a kid wearing a Thunder hat. That made him immensely proud.

Chuck asks me questions, I answer him openly with stories of my own. We both amble back to the bar to get another drink. He then asks me about my siblings, and my own childhood. He asks if I’m close to my siblings. I respond with an emphatic yes and then say that I feel as if all three of us are becoming closer, like we’re all reaching the same stage of ‘young adulthood’ which is pretty lengthy, whereas earlier, I was in the ‘college’ stage while they were in the ‘high school’ stage, and how I feel on a similar level, emotionally, as them. I then remark that one of my siblings, I’ve always envied, because she is incredibly independent. I tell him that she is self-sufficient and perfectly happy being by herself, in a very non-socially-avoidant way. She has many friends, and is quite outgoing and extroverted, I explain. He nods emphatically and says he’s the exact same way… but how it feels moreso like a curse, than a blessing. He feels too self-sufficient, he tells me. I mention that I think it stems from a few ‘being uncomfortable with vulnerability’ things and he nods his head, strongly agreeing and saying he experiences that, and is becoming aware of it.

By now, it’s 10:15pm and we’ve been chatting for over two hours. The sleep deprivation from the previous night and the downing effects of the alcohol begin to hit me and I tell him I’m ready to head out soon. We leave the bar, walk toward our apartments (both in the same direction) and it feels very comfortable. During the date, I didn’t feel an ounce of sexual chemistry, either internally or from him. It felt very platonic, yet very intimate. As we’re walking down the street, I wonder if he’s gay. He had a few facial behaviors that a guy I had a weird thing with back in college (don’t even ask) used to do… and that college guy is now out of the closet. Regardless, Chuck and I hug goodbye and part ways.

I feel, all of a sudden, very tired, very drained. It could be from the 6 hours of sleep I got the night before, or my workout at the gym this morning, but I have a feeling that it’s more of a ‘you’re running low on your emotional energy reserves’ sensation. Yet I do not feel used. I do feel as if we just mutually experienced a therapy session, masquerading as a first date. But being the weirdo that I am, I’m not unhappy about it. Because Chuck fascinated me. His self-consciousness toward his non-glamorous passion and his earthy midwestern charm were refreshing. And he was vulnerable with me.

I hope Chuck enjoyed this evening as much as I did.

Themes and Lessons from this Chapter:

1. Do not always play therapist on your first dates. While you enjoy getting to know a stranger’s “true self” and you feed off finding patterns within their psyche, their behaviors, and their preferences, it can most definitely be unwanted and feel invasive. You are not a licensed therapist, you are a stranger to them. Definitely warn soon-to-be victims before asking them 101 questions about their mind’s inner workings and their heart’s truest desires.

Tinder Date February 20, 2017 — 1pm

*Alex superliked me on Tinder 4 days ago (on Friday) and instantly sent me a Lord of the Rings gif once we matched. Anyone who knows me IRL, knows that Lord of the Rings is the way to my heart (it’s also referenced in my Tinder bio) so seeing a gif of Gimli immediately sparked my interest.

Alex and I proceeded to exchange more Lord of the Rings gifs and parody mind-numbing Tinder smalltalk– “where are you from?” “the weather has been so terrible lately…” “what do you do for work?” We quickly moved from messaging to texting (I usually suggest texting first because I hate constantly checking the Tinder app) and agreed to check in on Sunday (yesterday) about a potential coffee date today. Alex ended up texting me at 10pm last night, when I was out with Samuel, asking about coffee. I forgot to respond to his message until this morning.

Luckily, we both bent our schedules and meet up for a quick lunch at 1pm today at the Tender Greens on Fremont Street (this is becoming one of my go-to date spots, I’m beginning to realize…).

I scamper to the restaurant from my gym, a bit out of breath from my workout, trying to protect my hair from the torrential rain. I order a salad and a kombucha (yup) and sit down at a table with my food, praying to the Tinder Gods I’m not about to be catfished (again). A few minutes later, Alex walks in and I nervously jump up to hug him and say hi. The first thing I notice: he’s tall, maybe around 6’1 or 6’2. The second thing: he’s adorkable. We chat for a few seconds and I can instantly tell he’s nervous. He stammers a bit and definitely does not exude the charming confidence of a guy in his early 30s who’s been around the block a few times (i.e. Samuel last night).

Alex is 23, graduated last spring from a university in North Carolina, is originally from Seattle, lives in lower Pac Heights and works in finance. After he gets his food and sits down with me, he immediately apologizes for being (slightly) late and asks how long I’ve been waiting in the restaurant for him. He also apologizes for texting me late last night (at 10pm, when I was out and about) to make plans for today. He explains that he worked super late and was also at work this morning; such is the life of an entry-level banker, I soon learn.

We chitchat over our food and strike up an easy conversation. It’s not an alcohol-fueled, emotionally intimate conversation like the one I had last night, but it still feels nice. If Samuel were an afternoon spent playing board games (quick, intellectual, playful), Alex would be an afternoon snuggled up on a couch with a cozy blanket. He seems to have the disposition of a golden retriever (which is my favorite animal)– laid-back, smiley and quite optimistic, considering his 12+ hour-a-day work schedule. Alex and I exchange stories about our families– he has an older brother and sister, both live in Seattle, where his parents still reside. He mentions that neither he nor his older siblings have ever been in a real relationship, other than his brother, recently. His older brother is apparently a successful stockbroker/entrepreneur and dated a girl for 9 months. His older brother broke up with her because she was a (cute) sales clerk at Nordstrom; though she came from an upper-middle-class background, she lacked ambition and apparently her “perky personality” couldn’t reconcile that. Alex and I then chat about how we both value intelligence and ambition over most things, and he tells me about how his mom was a stay-at-home mom for a while, and is now the CEO of a nonprofit that provides afterschool care for children of low-income families.

I could throw in a few more anecdotes from our lunch, but I’d rather sum up this date and force myself to come to a conclusion: Alex was very nice. Spending time with him would be easy. He strikes me (based off my past experiences) as one of those guys who works such long hours that I would never really get to see him that much. He’s definitely self-motivated and checked his email a few times during our lunch date because taking a 2 hour lunch break is a big deal (regardless if it’s a national holiday or not). Alex also seemed very inexperienced– he was adorably nervous as we left Tender Greens and walked toward BART. He, similar to Samuel, didn’t quite know what to say. I think he muttered something like “So.. I’ll see you soon.. yeah” while giving me a nice bear hug goodbye. Being inexperienced isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it would require more effort (and probably patience) on my part, down the line. All in all, I think I’d like to see Alex again, if anything because he still has me won over with those LOTR gifs. He’s going away on a work trip for the rest of this week and we’ve already texted each other to mutually validate that we had a nice time. Perhaps I’m romanticizing the idea of having a golden retriever in human form or perhaps it’s just refreshing to meet another young, bright, innocent human. I don’t believe Alex has the capacity to manipulate me like Mark did… and that’s very appealing right now.

Themes and Lessons from this Chapter:

1. Swipe right on the guy who Superlikes you, who’s “too close to my age” or “smiles too much in his pictures” because he might just be an adorkable guy with the spirit animal of a golden.
2. Lunch dates are seriously underrated. Quick list of pros that I compiled: 1)  you can actually hear what your date is saying, as opposed to in a packed bar 2) it’s way healthier and way better for your liver than 3 g&ts and 2 beers 3) you can actually see what the guy looks like– natural lighting = you can better inspect his face; lack of crowd = you can better size up his body 4) you don’t have to remotely worry about him propositioning you or trying to get you to go back with him.